1. If your home is in the path of Sandy, evacuate to your second or third home immediately.
2. If your home sustains damage from Sandy, ask your parents for money to fix it.
3. Make sure you move your cars to the top floor of your garage.
4. Sandy is so violent because she was raised by a single mother.
5. Don't worry about evacuating. If it's a legitimate storm your house has a way of shutting itself down to protect itself from damage.
6. My prayers and thoughts go out to 53% of you.
7. 53% of you will be fine. The other 47% I couldn't care less about.
8. If you survive, I'll take credit for it.
9. If you must drive in the storm, use extra-strength rope to secure your dog to the top of the roof.
10. Everyone chill out. Sandy will end earlier than male-named storms. She has dinner to get on the table.
11. I actually have a bunch of storm survival tips, but I'm not going tell any of them to you until after the election.
12. Everyone in the path of the storm: don't be a victim and stop looking for handouts!