From A to Zowie
Dallas Cowboys owner/president/general manager Jerry Jones gets an intervention
By Richard Zowie
As of this writing, the Dallas Cowboys are 4-5 after having defeated the Philadelphia Eagles 38-23 on November 11. It has been 17 years since the Cowboys last won a Super Bowl.
As Dallas tries to reach for .500 when they play the Cleveland Browns, many problems still loom. Will the Cowboys re-sign Tony Romo in the off-season? Will the offense finally start clicking? Will Felix Jones regain his old form? Will the Cowboys make the playoffs? Will Jason Garrett keep his job, or will we see him in the unemployment line in Dallas County? Will the Cowboys replace him with Mike Holmgren or Sean Payton? Will Dez Bryant remove the pacifier from his mouth and replace it with a mouth guard?
And, will Jerry Jones finally come clean about an embarrassing problem that could wind him up in rehab?
We can only hope…
…Jerry Jones sits in his office at Cowboys Stadium. For the last half hour he has been pondering two deals: the corporate sponsorship for Cowboys Stadium (the only sponsors officially ruled out have been Philadelphia Cream Cheese, Red Man Chewing Tobacco and Green Giant vegetables) and what toppings to put on his dinner pizza from Papa John’s (he’s leaning towards pepperoni, black olives and onions).
The door opens. In walks Gene Jones, Jerry’s wife, along with his sons, Stephen and Jerry Jr., and his daughter Charlotte. Also joining them are retired Cowboy legends Troy Aikman, Roger Staubach, Emmitt Smith, Tony Dorsett and Randy White. They all have grim looks on their faces, as if Chuck Norris has just lost an arm wrestling match to Iron Man.
Jerry: Um, what is going on? My birthday was LAST month.
Gene: This has nothing to do with your birthday, Jerry.
Jerry (looking at Staubach, Dorsett and White): Guys, I have apologized countless times for how I fired Tom Landry.
Roger: This has nothing to do with how you fired Coach Landry, Jerry.
Jerry: Nobody’s paycheck bounced, did it?
Stephen: No, Dad. Financially, you’re worth over $2 billion. Everybody’s getting paid.
(Jerry lets out a deep sigh of relief).
Stephen: Dad, all of us love you and respect you very much, but it’s time we made you realize what everybody in the organization and everybody in Texas already knows.
Jerry: What’s that?
Gene: Sweetie, you’re a great marketer and brilliant businessman, but as team president and general manager of the Cowboys, you, um, well, um…
Dorsett: Jerry, what your wife is trying to say is that as team president and general manager you stink worse than Limburger cheese.
Jerry: Gene, I love ya, but that’s just your opinion…wait, does EVERYBODY here feel this way?
ALL (in perfect unison): YES!!!
Jerry: What makes y’all say that? I’ve found some pretty talented guys?
Emmitt: You mean like Quincy Carter, Chad Hutchinson, Clint Stoerner and Shaunte Carter? Jerry, no other teams even had Quincy on their draft board! You took him in the second round but probably could’ve signed him as an un-drafted free agent!
Randy: And what on earth is your obsession with football players who tried to play baseball but failed, Jerry? I mean, Carter, Hutchison and Drew Henson?
Troy: Jerry, there’s no shame in admitting you’re not good at assessing talent. I mean, you drafted David Buehler because he had a strong leg--never mind if the goalposts were five miles apart, he’d STILL shank field goals wide left.
Jerry: But that doesn’t mean I’m not good at assessing talent!
Jerry Jr.: Dad, besides those players, do you also remember thinking Barry Switzer would be a great NFL coach, and not to mention removing your support from Bill Parcells and backing Terrell Owens! Let’s face it: Jimmy Johnson had great talent at picking talented players and personnel. You don’t have that talent.
Charlotte: Daddy, here’s what we’re gonna do. We will escort you to a black SUV waiting outside, then to the airport and then to the Betty Ford Clinic. They have doctors there who specialize in professional sports owners who micromanage and think they know far more about their sport than they really do…
What will happen? Time will tell? My guess is that if Jerry Jones swallows his pride and completes the program, maybe someday soon Cowboys Stadium will become Betty Ford Clinic Stadium as a symbol of gratitude.
Richard Zowie grew up in Beeville and is a 1991 graduate of A.C. Jones High School. He currently lives with his sons in Vassar, Michigan. Post your comments here or e-mail Richard at firstname.lastname@example.org.