The original is still my favorite, and the fact that people still believe it’s based on a true story fills me with joy.
The sequels, while not really on par with the original, are still enjoyable, including the Matthew McConaughey starring “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.”
Now, while the remake and prequel still can’t hold a candle to the gritty, grimy original either, at least they were done competently enough to be pretty decent.
But somebody out there really hates the “TXCM” franchise, and this movie proves it.
The only good part of the movie is the opening credits, which show scenes from the 1974 classic in 3D, which automatically gave me hope.
And as “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is a direct sequel to the original, it starts maybe 30 minutes after the girl escapes the house at the end.
And all hope is lost.
We see the entire Sawyer family (Leatherface’s family) run into the house, seemingly from out of nowhere, wielding guns as the sheriff shows up to ask for them to give up the one responsible for the massacre.
Then, truckloads of rednecks show up and set the place on fire, killing every member of the family except a baby girl and the one they were after – Leatherface.
Then we’re introduced to the cast – a bunch of pretty, soulless model looking kids in their mid-20s.
Now, the original took place in 1974. And this takes place in 2013, complete with iPhones, and the main female is 26 years old.
Somewhere, someone decided the viewer didn’t pay too much attention in math class, because, according to this movie, the events of the original must’ve taken place in around 1986 or 1987.
But it gets worse.
So, the really attractive main female, Heather Miller, played with bored, doe-eyed dullness by Alexandra Daddario, finds out that she has inherited a house by her grandma, who has just passed away. Miller confronts her white trash parents and discovers she’s adopted.
So, naturally, she and her friends, who were planning a road trip to Louisiana for Halloween anyway, decide they’re all going to stop by Texas and check out this house.
And, for some reason, they pick up a handsome, chiseled hitchhiker along the way.
So, they reach the house, decide they’re going to party (naturally) and get killed off one by one in uninspired methods.
At this point during the movie, people began throwing their hands in the air and laughing at how stupid these kids actually are.
Every worn and useless horror cliche is in this movie.
The girl runs away. Falls. Gets up again. Falls again.
Leatherface even runs around a carnival, scaring the crap out of everyone there, chasing the girl, and what does she do? Grabs onto a moving Ferris wheel cart, of course.
And Leatherface even escapes! Since I guess the town only has two cops and a sheriff, it’s fairly easy for a crippled, mentally-challenged, chain saw-wielding killer to just run off into the woods and disappear.
All the while, the only other cop in town not at the carnival walks through the house with his iPhone facetime on with the sheriff and the mayor watching from the police station as he follows a trail of blood straight to Leatherface.
And the sheriff has no say-so whatsoever. Turns out the mayor makes all the calls, even though the sheriff is clearly the only smart character in the movie.
Yet, he still manages to let the stupidity roll on through the final reel of the movie.
The actors in this terrible excuse for a horror movie, much less a “TXCM” movie, are inept and do everything they’re not supposed to and are just tired, cardboard cutouts of real humans.
The Leatherface in this movie, played by Dan Yeager, is the worst one in any of the films.
They continue to mention throughout the movie how he’s more than six feet tall and a towering brute, but every time he’s on screen, he looks like an out-of-shape normal looking guy.
Not once did I think he was even remotely menacing.
The script must’ve been written by a fifth-grader, but even that seems to be putting our school systems to shame.
The plot is believable enough, but the execution is just so bad that nothing seems to make sense once the end credits roll.
Nothing in this film is scary.
What is frightening is that someone thought they should make this travesty in the first place.
And to add insult to injury, the worst line I may have ever heard in my entire movie-watching life is uttered by the lead character, Miller.
After she discovers that Leatherface is her long-lost cousin, she tosses him his chain saw as the mayor is about to do him in and says, “Hey cuz! Do your thing.”
My jaw dropped.
This movie had no reason to be made at all, especially being made as a “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movie.
It’s boring, dumb and an oblivious cash grab trying to bank on the “TXCM” brand by adding the 3D element, which added nothing but a few bucks to the ticket price.
If you’re looking for some entertainment, just stay home and punch yourself in the face. It’s cheaper and more enjoyable than this movie.
“Texas Chainsaw 3D” is playing in both 3D and 2D at Rio 6 Cinemas.
Paul Gonzales is the entertainment writer at the Bee-Picayune and can be reached at 358-2550, ext. 116, or at thescene@mySouTex.com.