The Republican Horse Race
Feb 11, 2012
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A funny parody by DFW. I recommend playing the following audio while reading:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand THEY'RE OFF!And it's Bachmann by a length! Wait, make that half a length! Now it's Perry making a run from the outside, and he's taken over the lead with Cain passing Bachmann from the inside. They're pushing and kicking, and now it's Cain by a length!! Cain in the lead, Bachmann falling behind, Romney in the middle, Gingrich near the rear and Ron Paul, Santorum and Huntsman at the rear. Huntsman? Who's he? Someone get me the list. Is that the jockey or the horse?Aaaaand now they've rounded the first quarter, and it's Gingrich starting to make a move..wait, no he isn't--wait...no, he is, ahh who the heck knows what he's doing? Romney's coming up fast--wait, no, all the rest of them are going slower. Now it's Santorum and Romney neck and neck with Gingrich using cyanide-tipped spurs trying to catch them. Huntsmann seems to be running out of financing and gas. He's dropping out! Cain seems to have slipped on a patch of melted mozzarella!! He's dropping out too. Bachmann dropped out a while ago, and is now downing kool aid at the Fox News booth, but we didn't notice with all the activity still on the track. Where's Perry? He was there a minute ago! Perry dropped out to pray and has endorsed Gingrich! No one noticed, not even Gingrich!Rounding the half-way point, it's Romney! No, it's Gingrich! No, it's Romney! No, it's Santorum! Where did he come from? He leads by a length with Romney looking forward, backward, and sideways. Gingrich has dropped his cyanide-tipped spurs and is taking out an Adelson assault pistol! He's aiming it at Romney. It backfires! Santorum has now pulled even with Romney, and they are both riding neck and neck backwards! What a race, ladies and gentlemen!! It's Santorum and Romney! Gingrich is frothing at the mouth! Look out, there's someone pulling up on the outside!!He's gaining, and the crowd is finally waking up! No, the crowd is going wild with excitement. Romney and Santorum are now two lengths behind and Gingrich is jabbing sea urchin spines into both horses' hindquarters! The newcomer is pulling away with this. It's NONEOFTHEABOVE by two lengths!!!!! Out of the middle of nowhere!!! What a race!Pulling into the home stretch, it's NONEOFTHEABOVE by three lengths with Romney and Santorum pulling sea urchin spines out of their haunches, and Gingrich behind them wondering why he is still behind them, with Ron Paul stuck in the last century! And the winner is..................................Barack Obama, who has been waiting for the rest of them from behind the finish line since ten seconds after this ridiculous race began. What did you expect?