From A to Zowie
Jerry Jones searches for a new coach for the Dallas Cowboys
By Richard Zowie
Well, fellow Dallas Cowboy fans, we can stick a fork into this season of the Cowboys. I feel foolish: this pre-season I assured one of my nephews that there was nothing to worry about with Dallas getting clobbered by most its opponents this preseason. That should have been a deadly omen how bad the team looked.
And now, with Wade Phillips finally being shown the door, we have Jason Garrett as the interim coach. Is he a permanent solution? I don’t know. It will depend on how the team does the rest of the season. My guess is Garrett will become so stressed he’ll turn into a 10-pack a day chain smoker. Unfiltered, of course.
I suspect that not only is Jones looking for a new head coach, he probably has already made some calls…
Call Number One
Bill Cowher: Hello?
Jerry Jones: Bill? Jerry Jones here. How are you?
Cowher: Enjoying retirement.
Jones: Bill, what would it take for you to become the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys?
Cowher: Depends. Would you ever step down as general manager?
Jones: When pigs fly.
Now, what I need to know is this: would I ever be able to hire a proven winner like you and keep my job as general manager?
Cowher: When pigs fly…
Call Number Two
Troy Aikman: Hello?
Jones: Troy? Jerry here. How are you?
Aikman: (confused) Jerry Who? Jerry Lewis?
Jones: When have you ever known Jerry Lewis to have an Arkansas drawl?
Aikman: Jerry Rice?
Jones: No, this isn’t Jerry Rice. Let me give you a hint: you used to play football for me.
Aikman: Oh! Now I remember! Long time no hear, Jimmy!
Aikman: Yeah! You’re Jimmy Johnson, right?
Jones: (exasperated) No, Troy, I’m Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. I was going to make you a great job offer, but I think I’ll pass now. Clearly, you’ve had one concussion too many.
Rhonda Aikman, Troy’s wife: Honey, who was that on the phone?
Aikman: (laughs) It was my old boss, Jerry Jones. He was going to ask me if I wanted to coach the Dallas Cowboys, but I figured if I pretended to still suffer the side-effects of concussions, he’d quit pestering me. Someone’s going to have to pry the general manager position from his cold, dead hands before I’d even consider being Dallas’ head coach…
Call Number Three
Jon Gruden: Hello?
Jerry Jones: Hello, Jon. Jerry Jones here. How are you--?
Gruden: You’re offering me the head coaching job of the Cowboys, aren’t you?
Jones: Yes! I think you’d be a great fit.
Jones: You don’t want to coach the Cowboys?
Gruden: I’d love to coach the Cowboys, but right now, it’s not a good fit.
Jones: Why not?
Gruden: Because you’re the general manager.
Jones: What’s wrong with that?
Gruden: Jerry, I’ve already worked for one clueless, meddling owner in Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders. Once was enough for me…
So, finally, Jerry gets desperate and makes a “Hail Mary” call…
Call Number Four
Jimmy Johnson: Hello?
Jerry Jones: Jimmy! Jerry. How are you?
Johnson: Not bad. Just looking at a deal to endorse hair spray.
Jones: Listen, as you know, I had to fire Wade Phillips as head coach of the Cowboys.
Johnson: Since I work on Fox’s NFL show, I sort of knew that already.
Jones: Well, as I’ve been brainstorming, I was wondering if you would be interested in coaching the Dallas Cowboys again.
[Half an hour later, after Jimmy Johnson finally quits laughing, he wipes tears away and takes a deep breath]
Johnson: Jerry, you’ll never have another Super Bowl win until you fire yourself as general manager and hire a real GM and a real coach. Working once with you as the GM was more than enough for me…
So, finally, Jones calls up NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and asks this question: “Mr. Goodell, would it be permitted by the rules for me to hire myself as the head coach?”
Richard Zowie grew up in Beeville and has been a Dallas Cowboys fan for more than 30 years. Post your comments here or e-mail Richard at firstname.lastname@example.org.