My spouse uttered, “There is a snake on the back patio.”

Indeed, there was a snake.

The trespasser, and all critters not invited, in the eyes of my spouse are breaking unwritten rules and will pay the ultimate price for their transgressions.

The violator of the unwritten rule was a checkered garter snake. This reptile was quite attractive as far as reptiles go. For the record, I have never found any snake to be pretty or otherwise.

I researched the species and made absolutely sure, that while removing the beast from our patio, if I was bitten, the emergency room would not need to use any antivenom. Valium yes, antivenom no!

So far so good.

I devised a plan to remove the trespasser by utilizing a small trash can and a not so small broom. I laid the trash can down and gently coaxed the 12” reptile into the snake trap. It worked. Not only did the reptile go into the trash can, but it did so with astonishing speed.

I took the snake trap and covered it with a dustpan and walked over to our 8-foot privacy fence and tossed the passenger into the field next to our home. 

Mission accomplished! Yay me. 

My spouse called, she was out on a mission, and asked how I resolved the conflict. I shared the clever details, and as I was basking in my manly pride when she asked: “What if the snake returns”?

Fat chance I stated. It is a snake, not some clever puppy that follows your child home. The next day, you guessed it. There on the patio, at 5 a.m., was either the same trespasser or their identical twin. I immediately returned to my patentable snake capturing process. 

Again, it worked. 

This time the release point was across the cul-de-sac deep into the field of harvestable cotton. 

Not sure how the snake cracked the code and returned to the patio necessitating another removal, but in the event  it returns for a third confirmed visit, I am going to recapture it. After all, I am getting very good at catching smart snakes!

However, instead of releasing it in what should be a place of no return, I am going to have the reptile assist me in, implementing world peace, learning another language, hitting a golf ball consistently straighter and developing and patenting a perpetual motion machine, among other worthy and life changing endeavors.

Since it is smart enough to find the patio repeatedly, surely it is bright enough to assist me in these worthy projects.

Recommended for you